So in Friday's post I told you that when Ryan kissed me, I didn't cry. You thought it was going to be all rainbows and butterflies from here on out, didn't you?
Well, you thought wrong.
Where do I even begin? Don't get me wrong, I really liked Ryan and he really like me. But we had so, so, so many underlying issues that were always causing moments of discontent. Remember when I said I was originally biding time until S came back? Well, it's really hard to start a new relationship when you're still in contact (and trying to get back) with your ex. Ryan and I had a million fights about it, but I just couldn't cut him out of my life.
Ryan also had this big emotional wall up between us. He told me on an almost daily basis that he never wanted a serious girlfriend. He told me on an almost daily basis that I could leave whenever I wanted and go find someone else, but I kept hanging on. The more he pushed me away, the tighter I clung. There were times I felt like I didn't know him at all. But at the same time, there were things that Ryan told me that he's never told anyone, and vice versa. It's a really weird feeling, putting all your trust in someone when you're so closed off from them emotionally.
Finally in January I confessed to a mutual friend between S and I that I was still so in love with S that it was interfering with my relationship with Ryan. My friend told me that if I were single, S would come around. And bam, I broke up with Ryan on the spot. This coming on the coattails of a huge fight between Ryan and I (it's funny, I can never remember what we fight about).
I feel so bad for Ryan in hindsight. I didn't really give him a reason why I wanted to break up, I just sort of did it. Much like S did to me.
I came home and cried and cried and wondered what the hell I was doing.
The next day, I went to get my stuff out of Ryan's apartment. We had a three-hour long conversation about all of those underlying issues. We decided to give it another go. We both promised to try harder.
A little piece of our wall came down. Little did we know, we were chiseling away at it with butter knives when we needed a wrecking ball.