The Breakup: Part 1

So in Friday's post I told you that when Ryan kissed me, I didn't cry.  You thought it was going to be all rainbows and butterflies from here on out, didn't you?

Well, you thought wrong.

Where do I even begin?  Don't get me wrong, I really liked Ryan and he really like me.  But we had so, so, so many underlying issues that were always causing moments of discontent.  Remember when I said I was originally biding time until S came back?  Well, it's really hard to start a new relationship when you're still in contact (and trying to get back) with your ex.  Ryan and I had a million fights about it, but I just couldn't cut him out of my life.

Ryan also had this big emotional wall up between us.  He told me on an almost daily basis that he never wanted a serious girlfriend.  He told me on an almost daily basis that I could leave whenever I wanted and go find someone else, but I kept hanging on.  The more he pushed me away, the tighter I clung.  There were times I felt like I didn't know him at all.  But at the same time, there were things that Ryan told me that he's never told anyone, and vice versa.  It's a really weird feeling, putting all your trust in someone when you're so closed off from them emotionally.

Finally in January I confessed to a mutual friend between S and I that I was still so in love with S that it was interfering with my relationship with Ryan.  My friend told me that if I were single, S would come around.  And bam, I broke up with Ryan on the spot.  This coming on the coattails of a huge fight between Ryan and I (it's funny, I can never remember what we fight about).  

I feel so bad for Ryan in hindsight.  I didn't really give him a reason why I wanted to break up, I just sort of did it.  Much like S did to me.

I came home and cried and cried and wondered what the hell I was doing.

The next day, I went to get my stuff out of Ryan's apartment.  We had a three-hour long conversation about all of those underlying issues.  We decided to give it another go.  We both promised to try harder.

A little piece of our wall came down.  Little did we know, we were chiseling away at it with butter knives when we needed a wrecking ball.