Hey friends, sorry for the absence!
Things have been insane over here with work/life/projects.
And I get so distracted reading blogs that I forget to write my own posts. Womp.
But let's pick up where we left off, shall we?
About a year ago, Ryan and I had just gone through a mini-breakup.
We decided to get back on track.
Sorta didn't happen.
Ryan and I were still fighting a lot. He had this big emotional wall up between us and I also started to close myself off. That's when S came back into the picture. He told me he'd made a mistake and that he still loved me.
He's really good at dropping emotional bombs on my life.
I felt confused and afraid and torn between two people. Ryan gave me stability, but our relationship was floundering emotionally. And S still had this crazy hold on me. So I ended it with Ryan. Again.
I told him I didn't love him, that I never had. He begged and pleaded with me to stay, but it just didn't feel right anymore.
I felt like I was with someone I barely knew.
We split up for a week. At first I felt strangely liberated. I saw S twice in that time, and it was so awful. I had all these high expectations that I would see him and we would just rekindle and everything would be like a cheesy romantic movie.
Yeah, that's why those are called movies and not real life.
The truth is we couldn't even look each other in the eye. We had nothing left to talk about. What we had was so broken that there was no way we could ever put it back together.
We, too, had become strangers.
A few days into our breakup Ryan asked if he could come over and talk to me. He told me he just needed to get some things off his chest. He told me he'd put up that emotional wall intentionally - he never planned on getting into a serious relationship while he was in the Navy. He was going to travel and see the world and just generally sleep around. He went out during our breakup too. He realized that he didn't want to be in a bar, chasing girls. He wanted to be at home, with me. He told me he realized that he'd basically treated me like crap and that wasn't fair to me and he was sorry.
He told me how much he loved me, that he was willing to do anything to save our relationship and he just wanted a second chance to prove that he could be what I needed.
He said everything I said to S when he left me.
And then he hugged me and told me he understood if I never wanted to talk to him again and he walked out of my apartment.
A few more days went by. A week after Ryan and I split, I was supposed to hang out with S. And he blew me off.
I sat on my couch sobbing. Here, almost a year later, and I was still a wreck over a guy who clearly didn't give a damn about me. I felt like such a fool. I sent him a text (I know, the digital age makes us all so overwhelmingly mature) telling him I was tired of chasing him. I've never heard from him since.
I sat there, miserable, and the only person I wanted to talk to about it was Ryan. I called him and told him everything. I knew it would break his heart to hear that I had been harboring all these feelings for S, but he'd laid everything bare to me, and it was only fair that I do the same.
I told him that when S left, the only thing I'd wanted was a second chance, and I never got it. I told him it would make me a hypocrite if I didn't give him one.
He asked me if we could hang out the next day.
I said yes.