Last week was weird. When we got back from Indy, I hit the ground running, excited to get the house cleaned and organized, start a new job, and just generally start 2013 off on a high note. Well, typical me, I did too much at once and burned out after a few weeks. And so last week I didn't do anything other than start and finish Diana Gabaldon's Outlander in three days.
Ryan's also been feeling a little under the weather, and with him holed up in the bedroom feeling crappy and my nose stuck in a book all week, needless to say I woke up this morning and realized that our house looked like a bomb went off in it.
Oh, and we missed trash pick-up.
Last night I had a really hard time falling asleep, partly because I felt like the house was going to cave in under the giant pile of crap that had accumulated in it, but mostly because I felt restless.
I'm not normally a restless person. Impatient, headstrong, and generally a pain in the ass, yes. But not restless. The last time I felt this way was about three and a half years ago; I had just gotten out of a really bad relationship, changed my major, and was living on my own for the first time. I felt like I could go anywhere, and do anything. For probably the first time in my life, I felt confident in and happy with who I was. It was as if any moment I would sprout wings and set off to conquer the world.
It felt good, this restlessness.
Slowly life settled down again, and I began to feel more like me.
I'm not really sure what's brought this feeling around again. I guess it can be contributed to a few factors. In the last year I feel like I've really been finding myself. I haven't been having an existential crisis or anything like that (I got over the whole religious quest thing a long time ago), but I've really been kind of coming into my own, and feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I attribute a lot of that to my marriage with Ryan and the emotional stability it's brought me.
I have a wonderful, loving, supportive family who are the very example of unconditional love, but to feel that love from someone "outside the fold" as it were, is something very special. There's a knowledge, in the back of my mind, that no matter what decisions I make (be it a career choice or a wacky outfit), Ryan is in my corner, every step of the way. Even if he does make fun of my red pants.
I think the change in scene work-wise has been the catalyst. For a long time now, I was unhappy at work for a host of different reasons. I'm an optimist at heart, but have a very dark and sarcastic sense of humor, and I'm very hotheaded. Balancing the need to see the good side of things with the desire to rip off someone's head is difficult enough as it is, but I was in a really negative environment, and kind of became the whipping boy for a lot of issues.
It feels really, really good to walk into work every day and not hear the low buzz of people talking shit behind my back. It feels good to be wanted and needed. It feels AWESOME to know I'm making a positive difference.
And so, last night, I could feel my cocoon splitting open. I wanted to jump out of bed and get something accomplished. I wanted to paint something. I wanted to cut bangs. I really wanted to clean the kitchen. But mostly, I wanted to write. And I'll make no apologies as to the lack of pretty pictures, or the rambling nature of this post. Sometimes you just need to get stuff out, ya know? And all too often I feel like bloggers force themselves to put on this peppy face and then when shit hits the fan, they get serious.
Well you know what? I like being serious about the good stuff too. And this restlessness is definitely a good thing.